Super Sonic Laser Beam Vision

There’s an amazing thing happening in our country and I just had to blog about it! I’m so surprised y’all haven’t picked up on it yet. I mean like its obvious and its everywhere! Clearly massive investments have been made in our police force and the army too and I am super excited! I just can’t believe how fast things are happening.

Only a few months ago we were all panicking about the security situation in the country. Now we can sleep at night knowing that our forces are taking care of everything. Yep, that’s right. Or haven’t you noticed? My gosh where have you been? Our police force is back in full force with some assistance from the military. All those road blocks you see on the road right now, you think say na play? They are out to catch all bombists and assistant bombists. Whats really fantastic about it, I mean the thing that impresses me the most is that these guys have gone for some special training I never heard of before. Its true! Like for real, they can stare at a car and immediately know whether there is a bomb in it or if the passengers themselves are bombers. Haven’t you observed? Next time you come across a check point, especially in Abuja, just watch how the police or army man stares at your car as you pass by. There’s a certain look he’ll have in his eyes that will tell you the laser is working. In fact they are so good that they don’t need any equipment to aid them (well except for their ancient guns that have nothing on the high tech guns robbers use these days. Lol).

With all this massive investment, hence improvement in our security situation, I don’t see why the senate is asking too many questions about the N900B allocation in the 2012 budget for security purposes. Clearly the cost of training our forces isn’t cheap! Maybe they are just trying to understand whether there’s room for them to chop from that money. Lol. N900B no be joke o, e fit change my family and hundred generations coming after me. Make them ask jo. How many zeros dey inside billion sef?

So the next you come across a traffic jam clearly caused by police blocks, don’t hiss in irritation. Just endure it cheerfully knowing that its errrm, for your own good. Never mind that these blocks and traffic jams haven’t actually led to the catching of any bomber, bomb maker or detection of some bomb making material (well, as far as we know). One day one day one bomber go show ‘im mess up inside go slow and kasala must burst.

PS: I know I’m fooling around, lol, but I think the govt should be allowed to spend as much as possible to upgrade security cause our forces need some serious upgrade! So if N900B is what is needed, then they should go ahead. Provided, that its actually used ON security, cause na there question mark fit dey. For those of you not in Nigeria, for real that's all the forces do. They create road blocks and stare at each car passing. You may get stopped and asked some questions that will annoy you. No bomb detectors or nothing like that. I really wonder how they will spot the actual criminals.

Language Deficiency

If love had a different language I wonder what it would be. Would it be English cause most people understand it? Perhaps French or Hausa cause they sound so romantic. Maybe Italian, so that the passion could flow easily as it speaks. I'm also tempted to think Igbo or German cause well, sometimes it comes with so much force you wonder what hit you. Or even Chinese cause other times it gives you the giggles (that language funny sha. Lol).

I tend to ponder about love's language, cause its clear to me that it comes in two different tongues. His, and Hers. Its like no matter how passionate two people are about each other, how great they start off, how high on cloud 9 they get, there's always a point where they come crashing down and more often than not, they can't find a way back up. The man and woman both want love but express their desires in different ways thus, conflict ensues. She thinks his passion has waned, he feels he is being caged. She begins to fear love won't conquer all while he, is getting cosy in his new found love. She's sobbing her eyes out cause he did something stupid to hurt her, he walks away from the scene. She sees a man who is not remorseful, he sees a precious jewel whose pain he can't bear to watch cause he knows he caused it. It goes on and on.

I know some argue that it will take away some of the excitement, but if only we could all speak one language wouldn't love be so much easier? Ok, wishful thinking cause we've already been wired the way we are by our creator. Perhaps the alternative would be to take our time and teach each other our languages, but impatience erodes most of us. We expect the other to somehow get into our heads and read our minds. Ensuing result? Disaster! And so the bloody cycle continues (pun intended). Hearts are broken, dreams are shattered, courts are overflowing, tear ducts are emptied, curses are placed and 'Another sad love song' will constantly be on replay for generations to come. Maybe we should just chill out and try to understand each other.

Air It Out.

Some things dey vex me. Infact, plenty things dey vex me. Why on earth can't you tell your heart to do something and it'll listen?! You go left it goes right, you say up it screams down. For goodness sake, foolish heart listen! And wasup with all this fuel subsidy business. Can they decide what they want to do so that Nigerians will know how to adjust their lives. Who gives a damn about their gay marriage bill? Or am I missing something? And why cant my heart just listen?! Tschewwww! I'm done venting jo, else I'll just continue till tomorrow. Next blog please! (This I'm saying to my over active mind that just has too many things its dealing with. Ha!)

PS: Please feel free to join me if you also wanna vent. Comment box all for u!

The Dash To The Altar

Forgive my long absence all ye faithful readers. I was caught up in the fun and excitement of three weddings and a fourth to go!

As usual, attending weddings sends me on a thinking spree especially since I'm a lady already at a very ripe age. Lol. So, I got to thinking about this whole 'settle down quickly' syndrome that tends to affect some people, parents especially. If you're a lady over 25 then you know what I'm talking about. If you're a man over 30, then at least you have an idea.

Before I go any further, let me quickly say that I adore the whole idea of marriage. I see marriage as a beautiful, romantic act that should be a source of great joy to both parties involved.

That said, why the heck would you want to rush into marriage?! With the increase in the number of people trying to rush out isn't it just better to take it easy? My biological clock, my mates are all getting married, I'm getting old & will never find a partner, my parents are on my neck etc etc. They all sound like good reasons to get married but unfortunately they often mar one's vision and make people reach for the fruit that isn't quite ripe but only appears to be so. Not that I'm saying that taking your time guarantees everything will go smoothly, but at least I believe it will give one the stamina needed to fight through tough times. Sha, maybe I'm just old fashioned in believing that one should fight for 'till death do us part'.

Please ehn, if by the way you just can't wait and must marry at this or whichever appointed time you've given yourself or God, abeg don't mind me o! I'll gladly come and chop rice and dance alanta at your reception. I'll also gladly come and chop spring rolls and drink champagne at the "I'm so glad I'm divorced" cocktail party. Lol!

Disclaimer: Some people marry because of aforesaid reasons and do stay married for a long time, though I don't know how happy they are. Some people court for three months before getting married and stay happily ever after - go figure. Some people marry for love and they are miserable - life can be funny etc etc. If you think I'm yarning dust feel free to conclude in your mind that I'm just a miserable spinster who wants the rest of the world to be miserable with me :)

An Ode to the Nigerian Gentleman

Isn’t it lovely the way Hollywood portrays the ideal gentleman.  He wears a dashing suit, walks with grace, opens the door (all doors) for any lady in his company and smiles while doing this. He is very considerate, he has the right things to say in front of a company of women, he doesn’t use obscenities, buys a lady flowers every now and then and the list continues. For many years that has been my standard and some of you ladies reading, don’t lie, it has been your standard too. And you see, I’m a sucker for a gentleman. Not only that, I love my Nigerian men. Tall, short, fair, dark (especially dark), skinny, big, you name it, I love em. I bet you already see the problem: Gentleman love + Nigerian man love = Huge disappointment L

Regardless of what I saw around me, I kept on having hope that I’d come across the perfect Nigerian gentleman, just the way Hollywood has always portrayed them. As I grew older, I became painfully aware that that kind of man is a rare breed in my country, very rare indeed. I began to lose hope. However, not too long ago I observed a little thing that re-awakened that hope. I was having drinks with a friend who well, I’ve never particularly considered to be a gentleman. He did a strange thing that I’ve never seen him do (at least never noticed). When my glass arrived, instead of pushing the bottle to me as he was about to, he took my glass, mixed my drink and passed it to me. Wow. That’s what I thought, wow. I know many of you ladies out there are thinking so what? Well, for me in that particular company, it was a big deal. That singular act sent me on a train of thought. I got to thinking of how many small things this guy may have done in the past that I must have missed simply because I was watching out for the signs of a perfect gentleman as portrayed by Hollywood.

In essence what I’m trying to say ladies is this: lets celebrate the ‘hidden gentleman’ in our Nigerian men. Yes they may be crude sometimes and do some untoward things like: let the door bang in your face, demand for sex like its their right, act like they’re the boss of you, grab the meal menu like it’s a race – urgh, need I go on? On the flip side, lets not ignore other things they do like: expect to pick up the bill every time they take you go out, offer to help you out when they sense you’re under pressure, show genuine concern about your family, drive you round town, tolerate your tantrums and love you in spite of them… – ladies fill in the blanks. So to all my Nigerian gentlemen out there, here’s a special thank you on behalf of the lovely ladies in your lives – mother, sister, aunty, cousin, lover, friend. We may not say it or even show it sometimes but you are very well appreciated!

Ps: Yeah yeah, I know this isn’t exactly an ode, but it’s a nice title isn’t it?

7 billion people and the price of panla in the market.

The UN recently announced to all of us that the world has hit 7 billion in human population. It was such a huge announcement that I was wondering: what’s the big deal? How does that affect our lives? After all, our maker did give Adam the ultimate command: Be fruitful and multiply (and some people have taken that instruction very seriously indeed! Though I don’t blame them, the process that leads to the multiplication is well…). However, with further thought – I’m a great thinker by the way – I started envisioning how this new revelation could indeed affect one’s life. Now for those of you who would rather save dolphins than go have some human fun, this is not for you. As much as I try to turn off lights, save water, and use African fabrics (lol), I am not a ‘save the planet’ activist. So leave me to continue enjoying my shallow life. Now, for the rest of you, here goes…

1. If you are looking for a mate and the one you love is doing you shakara, no worry. The world has another 6, 999, 999, 998 people (i.e. besides you two). Surely you can find another suitable partner in that huge number J
2. If your children are stressing you out, check the number above. I’m sure there are lots of motherless babies for you to choose from in exchange for yours.
3. If you do 419 and EFCC track you (I hear they are trying to remove Waziri), you can easily disappear in China or India, between them they’ve got about 37% of the 7 billion (wow!). Abeg, I no sabi mathematics, calculate am yourself.    
4. At this junction I would advice you to make at least a friend in both China and India. Seeing that they’ve got the most population, the projection is that either one may soon run the world (not girls like Beyonce suggested). You don’t want to be on the wrong side if that happens.
5. If you need a stunt double i.e. you really want to go on holiday and your boss is being an a** - everyone has a look alike. And with this huge figure, you should be able to find someone that not only looks like you but can do your job competently.

Is your brain working on overdrive now? You beginning to see the endless possibilities? Wow, what a beautiful world. But of course it also means there may be a lot more Osamas, Gadaffis and IBBs (ahn ahn, no not that one). Steve Jobs is gone, but there’ll be another IT G. MJ is no more, but more stars will come up. Your lost loved ones cannot be replaced but you’ll surely love again. I miss you mama L

PS: If you’re worried about being a minority in this huge number have no fear. Nigeria is among the top 10 most populous countries and by 2050, is set to be among the top 5. So don’t worry about being bullied, you will be the bully. Lol. 

The Love-o-meter

For many many years I have felt intellectually insecure. I mean for goodness sake, that dude that invented the light bulb, does he have two heads? Or that law of gravity guy? Or even those brothers that invented the airplane, wetin them chop, no be food? Anyway, all those years of feeling insecure finally came to an abrupt halt some days ago. Here’s how it happened.

I was indulging in an unhealthy dose of shallow TV, namely, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. It was an episode where some model chick was marrying some guy that looked kinda old. Because of what seemed like a significant age difference, the guy next to me automatically concluded that she must have been marrying him for the money. Shortly after, I came across a somewhat recent issue of Look magazine, and the cover story was about the fears of Jennifer Aniston’s friends.  Basically she’s dating this guy that makes a lot less dough and she’s paying for everything. His condo, flashy car, even for their holiday together. Naturally, her friends are afraid that the dude is just using her for her money and connections. So I got thinking. How do you know if someone truly loves you? When a rich man wants to settle down, how does he know his woman is marrying him for love and not for money? Or when a beautiful woman is approached, how does she know if a man truly cares about her or is just after her body? Or even in these days of fast money, if a girl comes from a background where her father is well known, well connected, how does she know whether the man is smitten by her or by his anticipated future income?

With all the human measuring equipment – lie detector, thermometer and what ever else that’s out there – these so called smart guys could not invent an off the shelf, easily accessible loveometer. Ha, Isaac Newton! And we thought you were really smart! Since the beginning of the world, songs have been written about it, wars fought over it, nations destroyed because of it (Troy?), and tears have been poured for loss of it (boy have I wept). You would think some clever sod would have thought of all this and come up with a wide range of love related inventions, least of all, the loveometer. Think about it, wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could measure how your beloved feels about you? Lets imagine a few scenarios:

• Guy toasts babe, babe doing too much shakara, he’s thinking of quitting but then he uses the loveometer and discovers – she’s actually crazy about him but only trying to protect her heart. He persists and they live happily ever after.
• Babe catches her bobo in a precarious situation with another babe, she throws a tantrum and ends the relationship. Wait a minute, she brings out her loveometer and realises he’s still madly in love! They go ahead and have a baby.
• Two guys fighting over one hot chick. One buys her a car, the other a house and the competition goes on. Eventually, they each bring out their personalised loveometers and discover, she doesn’t love either of them! Apparently, she had a third dude she was housing and feeding. Lol.
• Girl is seriously tripping for guy. She cooks for him, cleans for him, sleeps with him etc. He pays her bills, takes good care of her and all but… out comes the loveometer. Imagine, He’s got one babe that’s reserving herself for marriage and their wedding is in three months!

 Now, just think about your current situation, couldn't YOU do with a loveometer right now? I know I could! Well Wright brothers, choke on that!

Hennessy, boys and hot chiquito! 8-10-11

Sometimes things turn out best when they are unplanned. That’s exactly how it happened. A chilling Saturday evening somehow turned out to be a clubbing Sunday morning. I didn’t plan to be there, but I was.

It was the Hennessy artistry crew in the FCT and the show went down in Aqua. I could start with and go on and on about the rather ‘simple’ bouncers at the door who did not understand the purpose of an I.V, but I choose not to. Instead I will start with how empty the club was. Like for real, who handled their marketing?? This was past midnight on a Saturday night. Not like it was totally empty, but there was a lot more dance floor than there were people. For a place that was expecting eLDee, Banky W and Tiwa Savage, the turn out wasn’t great. Would you hear that that trio was in town and you wouldn’t show? Exactly. I mean how many people even knew such was going down. I bet if it was Lagos this event would have been handled differently. Na wa o, Abuja must not carry last. Anyway, enough of that banter. I proceed.

After facing the shock of uneducated bouncers and a scantily filled club, with hardly any time to recover we were soon introduced to the DJ’s poor skills. This was after I had spent at least 10 minutes trying to defend Abuja’s social life to a restless Lagosian. This one, I couldn’t defend. Like, I really need to know wasup with DJs in this town. I’ve come across 3 poor Disc Jockeys in prime spots, in one week! (No I’m not an owl, it just happened to be one of those weeks). Well, what could we do, we had to manage what we had and party anyway.

Though the beginning was quite shaky, this event turned out to have a couple of surprises in store for us hungry fans. By the time the Hennessey trio came up to the stage, the party had turned out to be quite the star fest. With the crowd all gingered up for the evening, eLDee, Banky W and Tiwa Savage gave us a nice thrill. I must say, they are a perfect blend. They finished each other’s songs, danced to each other’s tunes and got quite comfy with each other - Banky and Miss Savage that is! For a minute I thought clothes were gonna start coming off! I don’t blame him the babe is hot and she sure knows how to rock the stage. Honestly ehn, if I were a guy…. Sha, that’s by the way. And Miss Savage herself had confessed some attraction to the W in her interview by Dolapo Oni on 53 Extra. The whole thing was all so exciting that by the time eLDee got round to singing his hot track ‘Higher’, I nearly crase. I no shayo that evening, but I nearly crase. To top it all up the freshest kid on the block gave us a surprise performance. That’s right, Wiz Kid was in the building and boy were we happy. I bet that was just a favour he did for his fans and for Hennessy. As if all the excitement wasn’t enough, Flavour showed up! Unfortunately for we ladies, he wasn’t giving Hennessy any freebies L

After the live performances the party kicked into high gear. It didn’t matter anymore that the DJ’s skills were kinda lousy, we rocked that joint! And OMG, you should have seen the girls all over the celebs in the building. I don’t blame them o. In fact, if not because I have to be a lady I would have been all over Mr Flavour my self. All in all it turned out to be a good party. We showed up for eLDee, Banky W and Tiwa Savage. We ended up with them + Pheroshuz, Flavour, Wiz Kid, DJ Zeez and a number of other celebs that came for the ride. The event may not have been handled well enough but the stars sure knew how to party!

Hmm, Pictures? Err what pictures? I was too busy having fun! I no be paparazzi abeg (hissing loudly).

The Three Sided Coin

We all know that one somebody or have heard about that one somebody who at a time was every guy’s play thing or everybody’s nightmare. You know, the babe that nearly all the guys in the class could boast about conquering or the guy that was so troublesome or worrisome that no one really wanted to be around him. Remember how you would point the finger or nod your head in deep disappointment or judgement. For many of us it took years of growing up and information to understand that that slot or jerk had deep issues they were dealing with that the outside world couldn’t know about or understand. We get to see after a while that there was a different side to the story which if we knew, we wouldn’t have been so quick to judge.

If life were as simple as a two sided/faced coin, then many issues could be dealt with easily. Unfortunately, I’ve never come across a coin with only two sides. You see, its very easy to notice and stress on the head or tail, while its just as easy to forget about the edge of a coin. Yes, it may seem useless and insignificant, but it’s a part of the coin none the less.

People are complex and people mess up. But before we jump to judgement, conclusion, a messy breakup etc etc, let’s bear in mind that there maybe another side of the story that we haven’t considered. Another side that may not necessarily excuse their mess up, but explain it enough to remind us of one in-escapable fact; we are all human. After all, where would we all be without 2^nd, 3^rd or even 4^th chances.

Oh no, the terrorists are winning...?

The fear tactic is working! No one in Abuja wants to go out on October first! Events are being cancelled, post-poned, denied, delayed and every past tense you can imagine. No October 1st parade in Eagle square (what a boring event anyway), no shows, no nothing. I mean I even hear call to bar has been moved to town for security reasons and corpers aren't having a passing out parade. Oh no!

While we wait for the government to do something about these restless, obviously jobless highly paid individuals, I wonder what we as Nigerians can do besides hiding in our houses and grtting our teeth out of sheer fear... .

Unemployment, envious greedy ex-power holders etc are behind all these. God go catch them o, all of them! After all presido talk am, he talk say he no fit be like lion (at the 51st anniversary church service) which is probably a good thing cause the ones that rule and feel like pharaohs end up being so arrogant and punished by God for it (case study, Libya). So, we can rest assured that if God is not against our president...

A road trip to the east

I don’t know if its because of my new found interest in Igbo boys, or my love for akpu and onubgu soup or the simple fact that I thoroughly enjoyed my service year there, whatever the reason, a trip to the east is always a delight for me. Hence, delighted I was when I had a wedding in Ogidi, Anambra state, that just could not be missed. Here’s a mini recount.

Our bus took to the road at the late hour of 11.30 am, something that must NEVER be attempted during the Christmas period, NEVER I say.  Shortly after take off, we established the bus eating rules. No boiled eggs and no beans (do I need to explain?). If you think these rules are funny, why don’t you experiment on your own road trip and see if anybody makes it to the destination alive.

Being that we were not all of like mind and neither were we all sane, the conversation, ranging across different topics kept us all laughing and excited for the most part of the journey. However, real pandemonium broke as soon as we started to discuss P-square’s TV ad with Glo. If you don’t understand why, pay close attention to your TV. Though we had a good laugh about the commercial, we had a good listen to their new album – Invasion. We all agreed, it was good enough to be on repeat over and over again (I especially like track 3).

We finally arrived at the must pass town of Lokoja.  As we (the ladies) rushed off to use the restroom, we innocently stopped by the kiosk get some tissue. The lady at the counter (who also doubled as the gate keeper for the rest room) felt it was her right and duty to blatantly ask “you wan shit?”. Too shocked for words we collected our purchase and continued with our task. After getting over our embarrassment, we proceeded to purchase some food. Though I was tempted to get some moi moi alongside my already full meal order, I remembered our bus rules and decided to comply. On getting out of the restaurant, we were all privileged to share in someone else’s embarrassment as a voice LOUDLY announced over the PUBLIC address system: “the man in the red cap, please that is not the place to urinate”. Lol. I bet that man will never wear a red cap again.

We were welcomed to our sleep over point for the night by a dancing troupe which consisted of a father, a mother and two grandmothers (what a beautiful end to the day)*. I never thought the day will come when a grandmother would beat me on the dance floor, but this 80 something year old woman was dancing with one leg up. True, I’m not lying. I should have taken a picture.

We left Enugu the following morning for Anambra where we finished our stay. The next two days went so well that we were all too exhausted on the way back to kick up excitement for ourselves. Dancing, palm wine, late nights, laughter and the most stupid jokes anyone has ever heard got the best of us. So we all snored our way back to Abuja.

All in all it was a good trip. I could give you more but do you really want another three pages on my road trip? I tell you, if you’ve never tried one before you should give it a go. However, if your family is normal, please stick to an airplane or alternatively, you can borrow mine at a discounted price. Ciao! 

*Travel time from Abuja to Enugu is about 6hrs 

Osama's alive. Hooray!

Was that the response that Mutallab was expecting when he made the shocking ‘revelation’ in court yesterday? According to The Nation in today’s paper, the defunct suicide bomber shouted : ‘Osama’s alive’ when he came into court for jury selection in Detroit, Michigan. He subsequently added ‘I’m forced to wear prison clothes’. Please all, echo with me, DUHHHH! (pg 1 The Nation, Thur Sept 15 2011) If he wanted to be wearing the lovely kaftan our northern Nigerian brothers like rocking, why did he do the dance with the devil in the first place. Oh, I forgot, he expected to be blown away in the skies like a hero. For once the world can be grateful for incredible stupidity.

(Image taken from   http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2009/12/30/image6038517x.jpg)

Talking of blowing up stuff, is there anyone else out there that thinks the UN building bomber couldn’t have been a Nigerian but a hired foreigner? Nigerians, we don’t commit suicide. We would rather kill ourselves than do that (sniggering to myself). While you may want to cite the obvious, may I remind you that he spent some time being brain washed on FOREIGN soil? And if I may add, he probably was mentally unstable (I mean, Osama’s alive? Really? Did he see him in a dream?).

    

On that note, I’d like to say my heart goes out to the families of the 23 whose death was caused by the bomb that went off on the 26^th of August 2011. May the Lord continue to comfort you all and give you strength in this difficult time as the memorial is held today.

Women Liberation - My Right To Toast!

I’m a flirty kind of girl. When I see a guy I fancy, I pout my lips, bat my lashes and frantically wave my hands to get his attention. Ok, I’m exaggerating, but you get the drift.

For centuries the daughters of Eve have been trying to get women liberated from being house slaves to being a host of other things (who would have imagined a female astronaut?). Well, during one of my musing sessions, I suddenly got a bright moment of awakening. I realised that while these feminists/liberalists fought for the right to vote, drive and equal pay with men at the work place, none of them ever carried a placard demanding for the right to make the first move on a guy. Yes, why not. Why do we ladies have to sit around waiting for you guys to talk to us and ask us out on dates and to be your girlfriends/wives. Why I say? What about my right to toast?

So, with these thoughts somewhere in my sub conscious I stumbled across a piece of chocolate. I mean I saw him amidst a sea of men and I thought yum! He was all suited up (which I love) and rocking a sexy beard. I spent the next couple of hours watching him watching me. Before I knew, it was time to go and I found myself thinking ‘how far, is this guy going to make a move or not’. When I got tired of waiting, I said to myself, ‘wetin sef, I’m a fine girl jo, I can make the first move’. Feeling so 2012 rather than 2011, I scribbled my number on a piece of paper and made my move. Well, soon after, even before things kicked off…, I got bored! I quickly realised what I always knew. I like the dark ages! I’m a woman and I love the pursuit! Not that I’m one to play hard to get but I prefer the man to make the first move. Call me old fashioned but I’d rather remain restless and anxious hoping and praying that a guy noticed me noticing him than to make an outright move on him.

In conclusion, I’d like to say kudos to all you ladies who are fierce go getters and enjoy making a move on that hot guy that you just can’t let slip away. As for the rest of you (like me) who’d rather allow your blood pressures rise until he comes over to say hi (after all its part of the excitement isn’t it?) let me hear you say here here!