Abuja For The Rich

Walking down the streets of Abuja looking for a keke napep to hop on, – the lovely breeze that hits you while in that 3 seater is beautiful – I came across a ‘circus’ show. Some idle bystanders e.g. me, had encircled a couple of entertainers looking for a way to make some quick money – you know the hustle now. What were they selling? Snake for show. Some guy supposedly had a python or cobra in a box. The game plan was to charm the snake out of the box, prove that he can handle danger in his hand without getting hurt and peddle all kinds of ‘herbs’ that will help you with your various problems ( because of course if he can charm a snake he can naturally charm any problem out of your life ). Sadly, before the show could really take off, I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t that idle after all. I quickly asked a fellow bystander if such an act was possible, she answered in the affirmative saying that he had done same the previous day and gotten plenty of money from amused bystanders. If only I had the time to wait there, perhaps I would have paid the said charmer into making me as hot as Abgani Darego *huge sigh*.

As I left the place I got to thinking about how there are alternative sources of entertainment in this town. When I first got here, I thought Abuja was just so damn expensive and wondered how people of different classes (except the rich of course) survived in this town. However, with time I came to realise that somewhere in between the Chinese, Italian and Continental restaurants, there are the Jeveniks, Mama Calabar and Oceanic bakeries. And somewhere in between those other options, there are the little side bukkas that feed hungry workers. O boy, those bukkas have saved my  a** time without number. Fish at the famous Abuja parks and gardens can cost quite a lot, but only if you choose to go those expensive places. Buying a bottle at the club can cost you an arm and then some, but not if you choose a different club. Fashion, entertainment, accommodation etc etc, all have alternatives.

Essentially, I’ve come to realise that Abuja is not that expensive because there are so many other options.  So, however you want to live La Vida Loca, don’t be scared of the big C.T, cause if your mind is open enough you can have enough fun to keep you going till you find yourself in the big leagues. *Wink*.

My Azonto For Your Alanta {Its been long, i know. Sorry!}

That Nigeria dominates the African entertainment scene has been a fun fact to discover. Its cool to know that other Africans around the globe are clamouring for Nigerian products. Imagine the delight when I learnt that home videos are hot cake not only in Africa but all around the world, particularly the Caribbean. I mean its so hot there that there is a serious piracy issue! If in your simple mind you’re wondering why I’m excited that Nigerian movies are being pirated, let me put it this way. If 50 cent wasn’t so hot, you wouldn’t be able to buy his stuff for N150 in the market cause the marketers wouldn’t invest their money to photocopy a product that wont sell. You see? Ha! So, like I was saying. Imagine the added delight when I also only recently discovered that Nigerian music is aired on radio stations in France. France! France I tell you! They don’t even speak English! Not to talk of pidgin English that is sprawled all over our music. Ha, our Nigerian artists una too mucsh, I dey hail you.

Hot on our heels has been Ghana. I don’t know about their dominating power but for sure there has been some sort of copy cat thing going on which seems to have been working for them. Not sure what I’m talking about? Take a brisk walk with me.

When our movies started getting hot, Ghana stepped up their production. When our actors started becoming African (not just Nigerian) super stars, Ghana started using them to boost their movies. Soon Ghanaian movies became hot cake in Nigeria, and Ghanaian stars also became big stars in Nigeria. Now Nigerian movies are full of them. You can be sure that if Van Vicker or Jackie Appiah is on the cover of a Nigerian movie jacket, sales are going to go up.

When our music industry took off, Ghanaian music also got better. We were no longer restricted to the likes of D’banj, we also got some good music from the likes of Tinny. Soon, Nigerian artists started collaborating with Ghanaians to boost their music (by the way I still love that remix with Lynx and R2Bees).

Fast forward to Yahooze and Alanta. The one finger in the air and monkey dance became nice accessories to Nigerian music. Now, I don’t know how popular those dance moves were outside the country, but I know that Nigerians loved them and Nigerians are everywhere!  With all the excitement and laughs that came with the monkey dance, I soon got tired of seeing it around and was waiting around for the next hot step to come into the scene. Bingo! Along came the Azonto. By who? The Ghanaians! This time dey vex better vex. The dance has become so hot that it seems to have its own kind of beat. E don even reach level where Nigerian DJs are doing Azonto mixes and Nigerian artists are singing about it. In fact that WizKid is a correct sharp guy. He sharply dropped one Azonto single.

I don’t know where this whole Ghana – Nigeria competition/collaboration thing is going, but it sure is fun to watch. Naija needs some solid competition for a change, so let the games begin!

By the way, I suspect Kenya is the next country to watch out for! In the mean time, check out this clip! Lol.

Five Reasons why you should keep watch over your employees by night (prayer and fasting not excluded)

1. I walked into a salon to make my hair. Shocked was I to see what I saw. The owner or manager took out his belt and started flogging some of the staff (girls of course, talk about picking on someone not his size) for not being in their positions. Jeez! What if you have such as your business manager. Can’t begin to imagine the massive staff turnover.
2.  I was reading news headlines the other day on a local TV station and I saw something like “Ex basketball star Magic Johnson buys BASKETball team worth $2 billion”. I thought “what? You mean this guy was able to make that much money from playing around with a ball?!” Errrm, I bet you know the real story by now. Wow, if that writer becomes part of your media team your station would have ‘exclusive’ access to the most ‘juicy’ stories out there. I’m just saying.
3. I was chilling at a very popular garden, and a waiter said he couldn’t serve pepper soup because there was no cutlery at all. About 10 mins later, another waiter showed up with fork and spoon in hand. Need I comment?
4. A certain pop STAR, and his friend – also a pop STAR, were not allowed to get on a plane because some lady oga with the airline told them to run to the gate and they didn’t. Lol. No silly, Ashton Kutcher wasn’t in the country.  Maybe she auditioned for Nigerian idol and didn’t make it? That was the most bizarre thing I heard all last year. And oh, it was a VERY popular airline.
5. Fraud in the work place isn’t really such a bad thing in Nigeria. Pere. 

The Dog And Its Tail

   You know that moment when you put your two hands on your head in utter bewilderment and cry out YEPA!? That moment when you feel extremely stupid, when you realise you’ve messed up big time and the once smart you is now the joke of the day? Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about, I know I’m not the only one that does stupid things around here.

Funny how sometimes we laugh at people that back off for one reason or the other and we compare them to a dog running with its tail between its legs. But you see, the thing about that dog is that it realises when a situation is too big for it or when it has made a mistake it can’t fix. So while everyone may laugh at it for running away like that, what people don’t know is that it is better off in flight than in a fight with a powerful bear because that fight just might end its life. Even though the dog may feel ashamed at being laughed at, it knows within itself that it is better to run and face tomorrow than to fight and die just to please the ever wavering and very imperfect crowd. By the next day, they will find another source of amusement.

Its hard enough admitting that we’ve reached that YEPA! moment, but at times its even harder to walk away from it all and start afresh. While it is good to have a fight in us and not give up on what we want, its also good not to allow pride to get the best of us and prevent us from admitting we took the wrong road. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. So whether it’s the wrong job, or a jerk of a partner or a friend who is better described as an enemy, sometimes, letting go, is better than ending up in a ditch. Hello everyone. J

Na U Get Mouth!

O boy, young people in Abuja dey vex o! There’s some kind of cool rap culture coming up and it almost walked past right under my nose. Not that I’m a huge fan of rap or anything like that (though I’ve had secret crushes on 50 and Cool J) but when I see a cool movement I like to feel like somehow I’m a part of it. Roll your eyes if you like, I know you like to feel cool too. Its all about whether U Get Mouth or not.

UGM – U Get Mouth, is a brainchild of Buzzent Networks.-A bunch of young guys having fun with the entertainment industry and trying to create a fun entertainment culture for young cats in the FCT. Once a month UGM gives a platform for up and coming artists to show what they’re made of. Whether it’s a pre-recorded track or freestyle over instrumentals, rappers are welcome to show off. The highlight of the event is a freestyle battle that’s divided into stages. Attendance is free, the laughs are free and sitting around looking cool is definitely free. With a Dj on standby its actually a party without being an actual party. It was interesting watching young people (mostly in university or fresh out of it) chilling and having a cool hang out spot on a Saturday other than Silverbird. In fact, I started feeling 21 again J. Call me agbaya if you like, I don't care!

I’ve missed a couple of the events and after attending this one on Saturday, I don’t intend to miss anymore. There’s no fixed venue, the idea is to move around like a train. This last one took place at Match Day in Wuse 2. For the next venue you’ll have to follow the Buzz guys on twitter - @megadon05 or @UGetMouth. I tell you, if you're a fan of Naija rap you don't want to miss it cause you just might spot the next big thing there. In fact I foresee this event as one that record execs will, in future, begin to look out for to source for fresh talent. In the mean time I’ll make sure I stay aboard the train, especially since it’s a good excuse to have a glass or two on a Saturday afternoon without looking like a drunk who can’t wait for the evening weekend drinking sessions to begin. Lol. Here are a few pics I was able to get a hold of. For more, track down Buzzentnet.blogspot.com

Performers: Lucky Lee & Prizzy Priest

Perofrmer: Nuke & friend

Peace out yo. I'm off to practice my rhymes so I can join the next UGM freestyle battle ;)

New Year Dance Off!

In a little, not so little village called Kagoma, in Kaduna state, the 1st of January is always a much anticipated date by the youths. It is a day when any one has the excuse to be anything in broad day light without fear of judgement or condemnation from his/her peers. It is a day of reckless, wanton, uninhibited dancing! Wear what you like, dance how you like, act the fool and don't think twice about it. Its the kind of day where you will find your 'I'm too classy for that' kinda babe, acting well, not so classy.

Anyway, when 1st of January showed up, I wasn't much for dancing. The year didn't start off too good and my mind was off jubilation. Little did I know that the dancer in me was not in agreement. So while I sat in my kitchen enjoying quality family time, a trap was being set for me. From somewhere in the distance the sounds of drums found there way into my father's compound and before I knew it, the beat took over. So I dragged my sister, grabbed my camera and headed off to catch the train.

The annual New Year dance involves dancing/walking round the village streets to vibrant singing supported by lively drumming and, short bursts of vigorous dancing supported by vigorous drumming. Now, the dancing is completely incomplete without a shaker called 'zek'. You attach this shaker to your body and it makes shaking sounds whenever you move. Being that we had no previous plans of dancing, we had no zek and if you don't get your zek at least a day before the fest, you're on a long thing. Fortunately, we were able to buy a couple for about twice the price i.e. N100 each.

Even though I like to feel like a village champion, every now and then I get proven otherwise. Before everything took off in full swing, my zek started falling off. So I had to reluctantly get urgent tying assistance from some all too eager intoxicated youths.

As you can see, my photographer sister, didn't get my face in that pic. So we had to get a pretend one

Oh, are you surprised by my attire? Ha, you don't know anything. I be proper village girl! Anyway, the dance took off in full swing and we I got into the groove. Yes I, cause my sister...well...

...here she is pretending to be dancing in the crowd. And me?

Here I am actually dancing. I told you, village girl. Sha, don't think that with all the dancing I missed the scene. For example you see that erm, big boned lady in black? I would like to believe that she dared showed off her voluptuous physique like that because it was new year's day dance off. Anyway, I was so fascinated by her boldness I had to get a few more pics:

Oh, there's more. This next lady obviously missed the lecture at puberty 101 which taught that: when a lady steps out onto the dance floor, any dance floor, she must be properly kitted

I mean, didn't she feel the bells jingle as she boogied? Oh well, moving on... . What's a dance off without a couple of blue faced men, my sister posing in between them, and a couple of green bottles to serve as motivation?

Notice the malt in her hand? A couple of guys insisted we needed refreshment for all our hard work and forced us to take some. We just had to take a pic, so here's one of them:

Maybe if they had forced a green bottle instead my sis would have gotten enough motivation to dance so she wont have to pretend to be dancing (eyes rolling at you sis). Anyway, some soldiers showed up in the scene trying to regulate the dancing:

What?! Do they know how old this tradition is? Where did they come from sef? If not for the haramists we would have enjoyed our dancing in peace oh. Sha, we no too vex as we know the volatile situation of the north. I had to take pictures, and as you know security forces are always uneasy about their pictures being taken (I wonder why, are they hiding anything potentially illegal perhaps?). In fact, if you see how this guy below eye me ehn?

What? I had to black eye the face o, before Nigerian soldier go come find me. If you know the kind warning one of them give me ehn, na with fear I dey take post this pictures sef.

After dancing round the village for a couple of hours, we got tired and retired. On getting home, my little brother (who is only five) was gutted that he wasn't part of the dance. So, he insisted on wearing the zek about the house

Isn't he so cute? As for my sis, she insisted on capturing the evidence of her being on the dusty streets of Kagoma:

Compare the clean foot in the pic to the dusty feet. Lol. Me? The excitement of the morning dance got me all fired up that I began to plan a get together for the later part of the day. Little did I know how unfit I was for as I lay on my bed to recover, I remained there until the sun went down and the moon woke up. Lol. I obviously need a gym. On this final note I'd like to say goodbye. However I can't possibly leave without acknowledging some of the expert drummers who...

 ...were responsible for all the fun we had (chai, see the seriousness on that guy's face. If all we Nigerians were as dedicated to our unpaid employment as he is, the EU will have nothing on us) and also responsible for this:

Lol! The music was too hot. Once again, Happy New Year People!

Of Politics and Government, Cartels and Cabals, Angry Nigerians and Furious Leaders etc etc – A Series. Part 1: In the beginning, Nigerians vexed!

Is it ok to still say ‘Happy New Year!’ when January is almost gone? In case you’re offended sorry, but, Happy New Year! Hope you had a fabulous holiday. As good as I did. Pics of my New Year Day ‘celebrations’ are coming up. For those of you bereft of an exciting village existence, you may want to keep an eye open for that.

Now, I guess most Nigerians have settled into the hustle and bustle of Naija life, trying to get that cheddar before the mice do.  As a friend once said to me, I say to you: May God bless your hustle this year. On the other hand, some people are still grumbling over fuel subsidy removal and subsequent fuel price hike, oh well, the beat goes on.

It is amazing how Nigerians were able to gather themselves together against one enemy – Mr President. I guess the saying is true, there’s nothing like a common enemy to unite a divided nation with over 250 languages and ethnic groups. Wow. I guess like me, most of you are truly impressed, and I must say, there is hope yet for a truly united Nigeria. That will fit in perfectly with my plan of marrying a nice, well mannered, well educated, Igbo man (aren’t they just nicely feisty?). Nothing quite as exciting as a marriage to unite tribes, yeah? - O, for those of you that don’t know, I’m not Igbo.

Of all the protest groups/communities, the folks that impressed me the most were the Lagosians. O boy, those guys sabi groove! You see how they come turn strike/protest into street party/carnival? All kinds of artists came to perform. In fact ehn, I’m seriously considering packing my bags and moving to Eko, because from the way they turn everything into a party, its obvious that Eko never baje o! Even though I was not in support of the strike/protest/demonstration/riot/party, I was gleaming with pride about the fact that Nigerian artists not only talk the talk but they do the walk as well. I was inwardly gloating that these artists could give up some of their talent for a cause they truly believed in – Nigeria. Erm, well, that is until I heard that they got paid to perform (surprise face). Now, though that remains unconfirmed, I doubt very much if my source just made that up for the benefit of my ears. If it happens to be true, does it mean that while people were losing naira over a few days’ shut down of the nation, others (disguised as champions of a forward moving Nigeria) were making dollars because of it? I hope not. If it happens to be false, then three gbosa for those artists who were charitable enough to throw in free performances as their contribution towards a brighter future for Nigeria. Gbosa, gbosa, gbosa!

Perhaps you may be shocked that I was against the strike, don’t be, there are actually many like me out there. Its not because I was tired of being confined indoors (even though I was so bored that I almost embarked on a strike against the strike). The answer is simple, I’m in support of fuel subsidy removal. Was I in support of the sudden increment from N65 to N141? No. Was I in support of it being announced at the start of arguably the most difficult month of the year? No. Nevertheless, I’m in support of removal. Why? You may ask. Here goes – Greece! While I’m fascinated by the myths and legends that have come out of the ancient city, I’m not fascinated by its current financial situation and what it’s doing to Europe. From what I hear, Nigeria may be soon be headed down that same path if care is not taken.

I know there are a lot of issues to be considered in this matter, corruption, boko haram, soldiers on our street, etc. That’s why this is in parts cause if your concentration span is anything like mine, you’re about to switch off… . So, in the infamous words of Nollywood: Watch out for part 2!  

R.I.P Chinenye Funmilayo Onifade

My dear friend, we were going to build empires together and do all the fun and silly things that girls do. I don't understand why of the few friends I have, God thought it fit to take one, but I know you're better off where you are.

You're already sorely missed. Wish I could pick up the phone and call you to exchange insults, dreams, ideas and words of comfort. My dear friend, I miss you so much, but I know you are resting in peace...