The Dash To The Altar

Forgive my long absence all ye faithful readers. I was caught up in the fun and excitement of three weddings and a fourth to go!

As usual, attending weddings sends me on a thinking spree especially since I'm a lady already at a very ripe age. Lol. So, I got to thinking about this whole 'settle down quickly' syndrome that tends to affect some people, parents especially. If you're a lady over 25 then you know what I'm talking about. If you're a man over 30, then at least you have an idea.

Before I go any further, let me quickly say that I adore the whole idea of marriage. I see marriage as a beautiful, romantic act that should be a source of great joy to both parties involved.

That said, why the heck would you want to rush into marriage?! With the increase in the number of people trying to rush out isn't it just better to take it easy? My biological clock, my mates are all getting married, I'm getting old & will never find a partner, my parents are on my neck etc etc. They all sound like good reasons to get married but unfortunately they often mar one's vision and make people reach for the fruit that isn't quite ripe but only appears to be so. Not that I'm saying that taking your time guarantees everything will go smoothly, but at least I believe it will give one the stamina needed to fight through tough times. Sha, maybe I'm just old fashioned in believing that one should fight for 'till death do us part'.

Please ehn, if by the way you just can't wait and must marry at this or whichever appointed time you've given yourself or God, abeg don't mind me o! I'll gladly come and chop rice and dance alanta at your reception. I'll also gladly come and chop spring rolls and drink champagne at the "I'm so glad I'm divorced" cocktail party. Lol!

Disclaimer: Some people marry because of aforesaid reasons and do stay married for a long time, though I don't know how happy they are. Some people court for three months before getting married and stay happily ever after - go figure. Some people marry for love and they are miserable - life can be funny etc etc. If you think I'm yarning dust feel free to conclude in your mind that I'm just a miserable spinster who wants the rest of the world to be miserable with me :)

An Ode to the Nigerian Gentleman

Isn’t it lovely the way Hollywood portrays the ideal gentleman.  He wears a dashing suit, walks with grace, opens the door (all doors) for any lady in his company and smiles while doing this. He is very considerate, he has the right things to say in front of a company of women, he doesn’t use obscenities, buys a lady flowers every now and then and the list continues. For many years that has been my standard and some of you ladies reading, don’t lie, it has been your standard too. And you see, I’m a sucker for a gentleman. Not only that, I love my Nigerian men. Tall, short, fair, dark (especially dark), skinny, big, you name it, I love em. I bet you already see the problem: Gentleman love + Nigerian man love = Huge disappointment L

Regardless of what I saw around me, I kept on having hope that I’d come across the perfect Nigerian gentleman, just the way Hollywood has always portrayed them. As I grew older, I became painfully aware that that kind of man is a rare breed in my country, very rare indeed. I began to lose hope. However, not too long ago I observed a little thing that re-awakened that hope. I was having drinks with a friend who well, I’ve never particularly considered to be a gentleman. He did a strange thing that I’ve never seen him do (at least never noticed). When my glass arrived, instead of pushing the bottle to me as he was about to, he took my glass, mixed my drink and passed it to me. Wow. That’s what I thought, wow. I know many of you ladies out there are thinking so what? Well, for me in that particular company, it was a big deal. That singular act sent me on a train of thought. I got to thinking of how many small things this guy may have done in the past that I must have missed simply because I was watching out for the signs of a perfect gentleman as portrayed by Hollywood.

In essence what I’m trying to say ladies is this: lets celebrate the ‘hidden gentleman’ in our Nigerian men. Yes they may be crude sometimes and do some untoward things like: let the door bang in your face, demand for sex like its their right, act like they’re the boss of you, grab the meal menu like it’s a race – urgh, need I go on? On the flip side, lets not ignore other things they do like: expect to pick up the bill every time they take you go out, offer to help you out when they sense you’re under pressure, show genuine concern about your family, drive you round town, tolerate your tantrums and love you in spite of them… – ladies fill in the blanks. So to all my Nigerian gentlemen out there, here’s a special thank you on behalf of the lovely ladies in your lives – mother, sister, aunty, cousin, lover, friend. We may not say it or even show it sometimes but you are very well appreciated!

Ps: Yeah yeah, I know this isn’t exactly an ode, but it’s a nice title isn’t it?

7 billion people and the price of panla in the market.

The UN recently announced to all of us that the world has hit 7 billion in human population. It was such a huge announcement that I was wondering: what’s the big deal? How does that affect our lives? After all, our maker did give Adam the ultimate command: Be fruitful and multiply (and some people have taken that instruction very seriously indeed! Though I don’t blame them, the process that leads to the multiplication is well…). However, with further thought – I’m a great thinker by the way – I started envisioning how this new revelation could indeed affect one’s life. Now for those of you who would rather save dolphins than go have some human fun, this is not for you. As much as I try to turn off lights, save water, and use African fabrics (lol), I am not a ‘save the planet’ activist. So leave me to continue enjoying my shallow life. Now, for the rest of you, here goes…

1. If you are looking for a mate and the one you love is doing you shakara, no worry. The world has another 6, 999, 999, 998 people (i.e. besides you two). Surely you can find another suitable partner in that huge number J
2. If your children are stressing you out, check the number above. I’m sure there are lots of motherless babies for you to choose from in exchange for yours.
3. If you do 419 and EFCC track you (I hear they are trying to remove Waziri), you can easily disappear in China or India, between them they’ve got about 37% of the 7 billion (wow!). Abeg, I no sabi mathematics, calculate am yourself.    
4. At this junction I would advice you to make at least a friend in both China and India. Seeing that they’ve got the most population, the projection is that either one may soon run the world (not girls like Beyonce suggested). You don’t want to be on the wrong side if that happens.
5. If you need a stunt double i.e. you really want to go on holiday and your boss is being an a** - everyone has a look alike. And with this huge figure, you should be able to find someone that not only looks like you but can do your job competently.

Is your brain working on overdrive now? You beginning to see the endless possibilities? Wow, what a beautiful world. But of course it also means there may be a lot more Osamas, Gadaffis and IBBs (ahn ahn, no not that one). Steve Jobs is gone, but there’ll be another IT G. MJ is no more, but more stars will come up. Your lost loved ones cannot be replaced but you’ll surely love again. I miss you mama L

PS: If you’re worried about being a minority in this huge number have no fear. Nigeria is among the top 10 most populous countries and by 2050, is set to be among the top 5. So don’t worry about being bullied, you will be the bully. Lol.